IWhen I fall in love with someone – I don’t necessarily fall in love with the “person” themselves – but rather with how I feel when I am with them.
Love has brought me many blessings, and many painful lessons in life.
Early on I learned that I needed to give in order to receive – Love and Life 101.
Just recently I’ve realised that more often than not it wasn’t the actual “Person” I was in love with, but the person “I as Being” when I was with them.
Often the hardest part of “letting go” of a lover was the thought of losing “that person I was” and letting go of the visions of the future and the dreams that we planned together.
In my life, I’ve lost my “Self” in some way in almost every relationship I’ve had, until now, and that’s what’s inspiring this Brain Fart.
Because this time, “it’s different”, I’m different, I’ve come together with someone who’s also different, and together we’re in a brand new place that’s peaceful, nurturing, balanced, honest and conscious.
I’ve found that in my relationships there was usually one person who was more invested, and it could be said that “he who loves least controls the relationship”.
I spent a lot of time on “The See Saw of Love”. One goes up while the other goes down – alternating back and forth each in turn. Rarely did we ever really shine together at the same time.
I see this now as being a consequence of “giving away my essence”, externalising the “source” of my happiness by binding it to another person (usually in the form of a metaphorical Heart Shaped Box that I would plonk in their lap and in their care without them even asking).
In what I thought was an act of love and giving, I found I was actually setting myself up for a situation where I couldn’t bare to live without them.
Time after time I collapsed into a co-dependent exchange where sub-consciously there was an agreement along the lines of “you support my fears and I’ll support yours”, “we won’t push each other’s buttons” and we’ll both agree to ignore the elephant in the room with the plaquard reading “Something is not right here – You’re going to get hurt”.
The way I see it now is that no-one can ever take away what we had – its part of us both – and the story of our lives. Just because we are no longer together, doesn’t mean that the love we shared ceases to exist.
When the heartbreak sets in at the end of a love of separation in the glory days, I realise that who I’m really aching for is the person “I Am” when I’m with you.
That person is within Me, which is why I loved that part of you. You embodied and revealed to me an aspect of myself seeking expression. I recognised it and was drawn to you like a magnet.
Now that you’re gone, I internalise, “Absorb the Essence”, as I call it.
I bring up an image of you in my mind’s eye, and call forth all of the qualities I loved about you, one by one.
I remember how they made me feel and what they meant to me, and then in a deep breath – inhale the essence of those feelings and affirm to myself that “I AM” those things, that “I AM” still the person that I was in those moments and I will carry you forward as an expression of my own Love from here on in.
I haven’t lost anything. I’ve grown.
You helped me become the person “I AM” today – and I think I FUCKING Rock!
So, THANKYOU FROM THE HEART for that.
..and FUCK YOU for all of the shit that you put me through acting out your own control dramas you
BLIND dicks!!relationship, or even during periods